From one broken record to another

I have been wanting to put together a blog FOR-EH-VER. No joke. But the PRESSURE! -bleh- How do I know what to write? Who is going to read it?! What if no one reads it? What if… what if… what if… so many "what if’s" holding me back!

Finding my first blog idea, was as easy as finding myself- more or less.
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Finding myself was a long drawn out process of repetitive motions, self-affirmations, confidence ups and downs, and believe it or not- lies. Before we get into the nitty grittys, I want to put on the record that I am not depressed. I don’t hate myself, but I do struggle with negative body image and occasionally I deal with some pretty serious low self-esteem.

There are times when I let myself sink into my thoughts and have to consciously choose to stop putting myself down. So many times, I felt like I had finally accepted who I was, and was okay with all of me...

Beginning my career in makeup was a HUGE step for me. I didn't have a ton of skills, and Lord knows I hated being in front of a camera!  Each selfie brought me one step closer to feeling more comfortable in my own skin. But there are still days I don't like what the mirror shows me. I think that's normal.. you just have to learn to choose whether you want to listen or not.
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There are bad days where comparison will rear its ugly head and I’ll fall back into a pit of self-doubt.  We’ve all been there, down in the pit where supernatural surround sound speakers chant things like I’m not good enough. I’m not thin enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not enough.

No matter how many times I successfully climbed out of that pit, over time SOMETHING would be able to drag me back down. Over, and over again.

Then one picture changed everything. It changed how I viewed myself, and how I felt about how others viewed me.

 “But Jessica,” you ask, “What singular event could trigger such a powerful moment in your life?!” Let me tell you!

 This moment came when I read something on my Instagram feed… I know ridiculous, right?

 It’s true! It was a woman in a bathing suit telling all females -but let’s be honest, she was talking straight to me- that I didn’t have to apologize to the world for not wearing a bikini… or if I chose to wear one, I didn’t have to apologize for not being a Victoria’s Secret Model. I’m paraphrasing, but let this sink in…

YOU DON’T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING YOU! What a CONCEPT!

It hit me like a sack of savory potatoes, even though, I’m pretty sure those exact words were on at LEAST three people’s story - THIS WEEK. I sat there and scrolled through her feed @thebirdspapaya 

​I looked at this woman, she was STUNNING I’m talking absolutely beautiful. This woman spoke to my soul. Her pictures made me smile, I felt connected. She was REAL. She had curves, and rolls, and marks… just like me.

​Just like so many of us who strive to hide our bodies and pretend that were not ashamed of our imperfections. We fix our hair, put on our make-up, and put on a good show.

But WAIT!

Stop and think for just a minute- why do you look at all that you AREN'T instead of all that you ARE? Let's hear that again for the people in the back...

WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ALL THAT YOU AREN'T INSTEAD OF ALL THAT YOU ARE?

It was my biggest Ah-HA moment EVER!  Why am I wasting time looking at what needs to be fixed, instead of loving what I already have? Sure, I could lose a few pounds, my brows aren’t always on point (because unless I draw them on… they don’t exist), and I should probably do more with my hair 5 out of 7 days of the week. BUT WHO CARES?! I am not my mom-bun. I am not my saddle bags. I am not my stretched skin. I am me! ALL of me. And I’m learning to love me just the way I am.

ALSO we as women need to stop comparing ourselves to others! First of all, you don't have any idea what someone has been through. There are reasons why each person feels a certain way, or reacts differently to specific situations. Don't compare yourself thinking you are any worse, or any better for that matter! It is NOT YOUR JOB to judge someone else. We are each uniquely and wonderfully made, there is no one else quite like you.  I want all women to love the skin they are in. You've get one body, one soul, one life. Live it being thankful for what you have and what you are, not wishing to be something you're not!

I am NOT writing this as an excuse to promote unhealthy habits. You have to make time to take care of yourself! I - LOVE - TO - RUN.
I also love a good gluten free dessert... and anything related to potatoes... but I digress...

What I AM doing, is trying to be a hand up for women who are stuck somewhere in their own mental pit! Believe that you are amazing! Don't listen to that little voice, that LIAR whispering in your ear telling you what you AREN'T. You ARE wonderful - believe it.
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This was not the first time I had heard the idea of not apologizing for being me. Sometimes you have to hear it a few times. For me, it was like having a record play over and over until I finally learned all the words to my song.

 It tells me I am beautiful. I am wonderful. I am enough.

Keep playing your record until you realize the same.
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